rattus rattus’ blog

i c u + not how u c u + how i c u counts 4 me
+ not how u c u + what counts 4 me counts 4 u

Often, when I wake up in the morning still tired and dizzy I try to move my brain into gear by thinking about what was, what is, and what I might perhaps possibly do if I managed to get up after all. Since I do know that I really should get out of bed I confine my thinking to, you know, important issues, urgent stuff, and things that matter.

Today, I caught myself thinking that all this thinking between alarms is only my brain trying to trick myself. Actually, I realized that it’s my body who manages to get my brain to do as if it could really utilize the alarm clock’s snoozer time to the best. Like every 5 minutes thinking (half asleep) in bed is as good as 5 minutes out of bed, and getting things done (even half asleep).

Apparently, I was quite awake (or my mind is already so twisted) because I did also realize that I am a liar trying to trick myself by sincerely thinking about how my body and mind are trying to trick myself.

Who am I? — Of course, trivially I am I. But who says so? Who is I and who is I not? Can I trust this I?

Who am I? Who is me?
Am I the sum of my history, or am I more than the sum of it? Or less? I keep forgetting. Nature or nurture? Are my hopes and wishes part of me?

What about the collection of aches and pains that consume my body? How old am I? Old enough to kick my father’s butt? Am I ready to accept my rheumatic disorders? Or more? Where do I draw the line? On my birthday? When I die? Does death end my life, and me?

What have we forgotten about ourselves? There is this and that which I am proud of, what I believe in, and those I love. And there is everything else. I am the one to decide. So, it depends. I depend on me?

People keep asking: Who are you? — I’d like to answer honestly: I do not know. And I do, because there again is this I. I says about I that I does not know.

Maybe this is why trivial is not derived from a broad way but from three ways crossing at one point: The I that is me, the I that says I, and all that is not I.
Who said that?